Loss

This is not my life…

Just thinking about what we SAY – Im Ok, I’m sad, I’m lost and the things we FEEL…so this is random and not, a story and not, a moment long gone, a moment forgotten, a moment lived again and again. But this is not my life, these are just some words…

You have finally had all of me.

I was holding onto a place, a single, small piece of me that was mine, that hadn’t been sacrificed for your love.

I had given up everything, my friends, my family, my career, my life and it still wasn’t enough.

Over the years there have been some things I have taken back.

And you might think that fighting for something and getting it back would make it so much more precious.

And maybe it does because the things I have now are the things I could no longer live without and so I fought and scratched and clawed until I had those things again.

But there is something to be said for having something that was just yours – that was never taken away from you. That you didn’t have to fight to get back, it was just something so yours that it was inherent to you. It is such a part of you that the thought that it could be taken from you is abhorrent.

And now it is gone and with losing that last piece I am truly bereft.

I feel a sense of despair that I don’t think I have ever experienced before…

I am too lost, too sad, too completely alone to even cry….

I can feel the need brewing beneath my skin, stinging my eyes but it won’t come and I know, I know that even when the tears show themselves that they won’t wash me clean.

This is the kind of loss that you never recover from…

This is the kind of loss that defines how you live the rest of your life.

My Boobs are like Mary Poppin’s Purse

Cause I am a bit bored, a bit sad, a bit…me

So twenty years ago – and more – I hated my body.

I was 120 with round hips and breasts that just wouldn’t stop.

And shopping was a curse – how do you show off a little waist and the monsters that lived in my chest? You didn’t.

And I was an athlete so how did you strap those babies down? As best you could!

But now, now I am just trying to hike those babies up so they don’t hit my knees…and in the process a revelation of sorts….

So now that I am not trying to show my girls off I have a whole avenue of – fucking awesomeness at my disposal.

I have found with the new bra that I can tuck all sorts of stuff in tight…like a ID, a credit card, money, my phone, my keys…

Built in storage – I kid you not.

And I know so many of my bartenders have watched me pull a boob-card or boob-cash out and I see your face / trust me my boobs come in peace!

But really! My boobs and my bra have become fucking Mary Poppins purse – you never know what will come out but you gotta know it will be spectacular!

Waiting for you

I both love and loathe these days.

I love them because I know, I just KNOW, that someone amazing is about to come into my life.

I loathe them because I haven’t found that person yet….and the sense of anticipation, the sweet agony of waiting is almost, just close to being, unbearable.

WaitingForYou

You are what I need

Sometimes I can get so caught up in…shit (things that are not consequential)

Age doesn’t matter

Race doesn’t matter

Gender doesn’t matter

Ya know what matters.?.?

Finding that soul in this vast universe that makes us better…

That is what matters!

That is you!

You make me better, you make me listen, you make me feel….

You (a sum of many) are everything I need!

I want everything for you

Why does it sometimes feel like you have to almost beg to do something good for someone else?

Everyone assumes…too much, to good to be true…

Sometimes, every once and awhile

Someone – just tries to see what is needed – what is wanted

And they provide

It really is quite simple people!

Stop making it so hard!

I can promise you – if I do something for you…it is exactly what I want to do – and I would prefer you didn’t know it but that isn’t alway easy…and I want nothing in return

I just want…everything…for you

I was alive but couldn’t live…

I was just this shell / I wasn’t alive

I couldn’t mourn and refused to celebrate

The life that was given to me

I didn’t cry and couldn’t laugh

I was a lost soul

Searching for reason

And I found you in the midst

Finding that person I would ultimately destroy

I wish I never knew what living with you was like

Because now I truly know

I was alive but couldn’t live

I lived but couldn’t have

And now without you I want no more

I thought I was dead – I realize know that I was alive, I was awoken, just so I would learn what forever will feel like without you