Always be wary…

I showered and primped and gave Baxter a quick kiss on the way out. I don’t know why I did it. Maybe I was tired and the fatigue meant my charming personality or my own sense of self preservation hadn’t kicked in yet. Maybe down deep I hope one day I won’t move quick enough. He woke with a start and swung the arm that was wrapped around his belly towards me and I barely made it out of they way in time.


That is why I don’t wake him up with kisses or any other way imaginable. He wakes up swinging. Just like me but I usually fly with my fist and he is more likely to come up swinging a blade or his ’45 in your direction. He always slept with one of them. I should have remembered.

God I am tired.


I just started working at Munchies. A place you find in every college town – one of a hundred. Good booze, bad food, long hours and a perfect place to disappear into the crowd, to live harshly and recklessly and to connect with no one. It was the perfect place to die.

I met him tonight and the evening should have been as memorable as all the others. Which is to say I hoped to be saturated enough at the end of the night to remember nothing at all.

There were 5 brothers who were always together. That first night…my first night…they sat at my table. Just the luck of the draw or divine intervention. I couldn’t have said then but now I can say it was the latter.

“Hey boys – what’s your poison?” I said as I cringed inwardly at the reference.

“You’re new…we are here about every night so we would have noticed…you… before…” said one. The way the comment just hung in the air indicated he was paying me a compliment in his own fashion. You could see his height even though he was sitting and he had dark hair and skin and pale green eyes. He looked kind and that made me wary. Kind made me feel tired as well as making me feel like shit.

“I’m busy so what’s your damage?” I said as my eyebrows popped up and the tone of my question and my expression said it all. I may have all day but I don’t intend to spend it here waiting on you.

He looked around the empty room and laughed and the rest joined in or at least most of the rest. One still hadn’t acknowledged me. Everyone else had made polite eye contact…even though I was being a bitch.

Corona, Dos Equis, Corona, Corona. The guy in the corner still hadn’t said a word.

“You coming from Spanish class…”  Don’t judge me for anything other than being a complete bitch.  Which I accept…which I embrace.

I got him smiling again and he has dimples. Cute. The one who was ignoring me still hadn’t said a word. Fortunately these guys apparently liked a smart ass. I should have been more worried about my tips but it was my first night and I didn’t want to set expectations to high with my new employers or my frequent customers. Model employee I would not ever be. Better to be honest and up front about that kind of shit.

The mute flicked his hand in a kind of I don’t give a fuck kind of way and the guy to his right requested a JD straight up. Must be his usual. He had to have made an effort at that point NOT to look at me. I mean that kind of eye contact is just polite and usually quite natural. But it didn’t seem like he was just being a dick to me so why take it personally. He had just treated the brother next to him like a servant.

I got ‘em setup and they finished the shift off quick and hit the road. The mute paid the whole bill and he doubled the amount so I got a nice tip.

He still hadn’t laid eyes on me.

And the night takes me down…

When it was over, evening done and finished, I was tired. I haven’t spent that much time on my feet in awhile and I wanted a bath that I couldn’t have. I still live in the dorms and even though I am in a downward spiral that hell itself might not be able to curb I don’t want to die by the diseases you would find in a public bath.

I have much more painful plans in mind.

I got home, turned on all of the lights and cranked the AC. I like it cold so I don’t bleed as much. When I was done I curled up under the covers. I didn’t sleep. I never do anymore.

He crawled into my bed around 4 am. He smelled of downtown and that meant he smelled like booze and cigarettes. I turned to face him and pulled my knees up so they touched my chest…a nice barrier of sorts. Unnecessary but I always made sure he knew the door wasn’t open. Baxter knew better though. He wouldn’t ever touch me while we were in bed. I barely let him touch me in much less intimate settings. I am not sure why he sticks around. I know he is as fucked up as I so maybe he just feels comfortable around me because we are the same.

I know why I stay with him. He won’t hurt me – not in the way I really fear. I am not in love with him so he can’t break my heart. But he does have all the equipment to do the proper amount of damage. But he won’t and I think he stays with me because he worries that the next guy won’t be quite so accommodating.

Truth is that he is a smoke screen. I need a male. Need to be able to say “Look I am normal and fine…” but I am not and he knows it.

He cleans me up when he notices the recent damage. I used to struggle with him about it but I honestly don’t have the energy anymore. He pulled together the cleaning supplies and put band-aids on the deeper cuts and then crawled back in bed with the intention of staying.

Rise and repeat.


Sometimes life happens to you in ways you can’t process. Events unexplainable. You wrap those experiences up in packages and put them away to take out and re-live at another time. One day that package, when unwrapped, finally takes seed in your soul and you are never the same.

This is a love story…

But it isn’t mine.