You ever have a friendship/relationship that changed and you couldn’t figure out why? Everything is different and you just…know…you did something/said something wrong even though you can’t point to what…(consequence of the socially awkward alert!!)
And you want to make it right…so badly and you would…make it right if you just knew what you did to $#%@ it all up in the first place. But the silence of the wrongdoing is powerful and the sign of demise is ever present…and you just want to scream out “Tell me what I did wrong and I will make it right” because all you really want to do is please that person and make it right.
But there is just silence and you know…just know…that no answer will come even if you request it and things will never…ever…be the same.
Request it anyway!
If it is over you have nothing to lose…and if it isn’t then you can…maybe…save something special.
Swallow your pride and own your actions. Sometimes you can do or say things without realizing the consequences. But do you really want to lose something by staying silent? By not admitting that…however inadvertently…you might have fucked up?
If you feel like you are losing someone you want in your life – reach out – hold on…and hope…
So those that know me know that I am in a perpetual state of motion. I’m “twitchy”.
As I was waiting for my 3 dozen crickets to get counted out I beat a steady tap of foot and after a minute the sweet girl helping me mumbles out an apology and tells me that it will just be another minute. My foot stops tapping and I chuckle and tell her I’m really not in any hurry and I start counting the tiles in the ceiling to keep still. Now, I have known this girl for about a year although we don’t see each other outside of this environment so we keep up a pretty steady stream of chatter and I think things are fine until I hear her apologize for upsetting me and when I frowned in response she said “You won’t even look at me”.
Well, no I wasn’t because as previously mentioned I was counting tiles – to keep still – because the twitching bothered her. But she didn’t know that.
I stopped counting and made eye contact and smiled at her and for reasons I can’t quite comprehend (this happens a lot) I said simply “Oh, it’s not you, it’s me” and then I am pretty sure I blushed. I admit this is where I could have explained my twitchiness but since I have found it mostly makes me sound like a crazy person I just…don’t…anymore.
She turned away and in a near whisper said she hadn’t heard that since it came out of her own mouth while breaking up with her last boyfriend.
I paid and left and it wasn’t until just now that I realized I had unintentionally broken up with the cashier at the pet store.
And I forgot the dog biscuits – I hope things aren’t awkward tomorrow.
So I realized today (or maybe it has been on my mind for a while)…I laugh at inappropriate moments. I finally asked my husband about it and he said at first he was a little surprised and/or confused over what I found amusing but he is getting a better idea.
He said “I am still figuring it out because sometimes something really horrible will happen and I thinkthat you will laugh but you won’t so I’m not there yet, but getting better.”
He doesn’t seem to think I am awful – which is nice ’cause I don’t know that I think awful things are funny – it is more like I don’t know how to react and my default is to just laugh. I think it makes me seem much more heartless than I really am…