Category Archives: Surrender

It matters…

Sarah slid up behind me tonight. She had caught me off guard and she knew it. I was focused on their table but not on them, clearly because I hadn’t seen her get up.

“Do you feel like you are being watched?” She asked.

“I guess I am being rude. I am the one watching.” I said.

“Indeed” wasn’t as much spoken as breathed right in my ear. I had learned enough about her to realize it wasn’t intentional. She wasn’t entering my personal space to make a pass although right then I would have given anything to make it so. She had her hair pulled up in a tight ponytail and she was rocking a tank top and low-rise jeans. I got a peek of a tattoo on her stomach while she adjusted her hair and almost came apart. Was that someone’s name? Rebecca? Who the fuck was Rebecca?

I leaned in her general direction and inadvertently licked my lips. She cocked an eyebrow at me. Apparently not as conservative as I thought given the tattoo and while she did deny me right out it wasn’t because she wasn’t curious.

“I am not for you. It isn’t personal I just couldn’t do it to… I mean I just don’t sway that way…”

The words said one thing but shit she checked me out good and long and her cheeks flushed a fabulous pink like she wasn’t sure she believed what she just said.

I leaned forward and tugged at her waist to reposition our bodies. I flicked a finger under the hem of her shirt and ran it across her bare skin above her jeans. Her skin was soft and it flushed beneath my touch. I could feel the heat lick up my finger and my hand twitch of its own volition.

I didn’t want to gain her friends attention so I lay my lips along her right check so it likely looked like I leaned in and whispered something in her ear. I inhaled. She smelled of fresh strawberries and summer. And then I did whisper, “Are you sure?”

And then I trailed my lips from her ear, along her jaw and turned away just before my lips met hers. Her breath hitched once and then she let out a heavy sigh and her body re-arranged on her spine. Like she melted into me just the slightest. I doubt she even realized.

What the fuck was I doing?

I am not for you…

I cleared my throat. “Sorry. That was a bit inappropriate.”

I tried to bolt but she seemed to have cleared her head and she commanded me to stop. And I did. Would have come to heal if she had asked nicely…or asked at all.

“We aren’t done here. You were distracted. And that led to my distraction. But we are not done here.”

Right. She came to me referring to The Mute. I think. Might as well dig a deeper fucking hole.

I released a deep breath and put voice to my long time query.

“Does he speak…to anyone? Is he…mute?”

Sarah laughed out load. It was a bark almost, so strong and unrepentant. And as the sound left her mouth and the smile spread across her face he looked up at her and smiled. Then his focus shifted to me and his eyes narrowed and the smile disappeared. I don’t know if he knew what I had just done. I don’t know if he knew what I had just said, or if he cared. But now that he had captured my gaze he wouldn’t release me and I felt like I would lose something if I looked away.

Which is exactly why I broke the contact.

Sarah was tickled pink apparently though. She was all hushed tones and fast talk.

“He watches you. He tracks you around this restaurant, hell, he tracks you around this town and none of us knows what is going on but something is definitely going on…From the beginning he has wanted to know about you. Hence all of the questions but he won’t tell us why he won’t speak to you. Don’t get me wrong you are nice enough and we probably would have played the whole get to know you routine regardless. But he is the driver…He is why we are here every night.”

He held up his hand to beckon me. He used his left hand and when he raised it I could see he wore a thin band on his ring finger.

I gave my table to Cary and left. I don’t know why it mattered. But. It. Did.

On a leash

The same 5 entered my arena but tonight they had an additional member. She was just a bit shorter than me and skinny with long dark hair and smoky gray eyes. She was beautiful and completely unassuming like she didn’t realize she how she looked. I loved hot girls who had no idea of their power. She slid herself into the booth and The Mute planted himself right at her side. They didn’t touch but they were close and not just physically. They had a history…a past, a present and a future. He didn’t seem to talk to her either though so maybe he didn’t talk to anyone.

I took their first round of orders. I think the girl – Sarah – ordered for him this time because she looked way to little to throw back a Cosmo, a Sam Adams and a tequila chaser.

He paid the tab in whole…and doubled the amount…again. I had a hard time being upset about him being rude ‘cause he tipped too fucking well.

Tonight Baxter picked me up from work. I mean he showed up to get me home safely but he also quite literally picked me up and kissed me for the world to see. He must have been feeling affectionate and probably bad about pulling a knife on me so he was making amends in a way. He could kiss too and in the way I mean that is his mechanics were great. The gentle introduction, the lick of penetration and the soft moan that reverberates through both participants that lets you know that is exactly what he wanted to do to you forever, until you were willing to give him something else to do. His kisses were always so fucking tragic because the perfection was wasted on me. It should have lit me up but it didn’t and it wasn’t him…no one had lit me up for a long time.

And then Sarah walked by, on her way home, being escorted by The Mute and she looked fresh as rain and…very tempting. I hadn’t had a female in months.

She looked really happy with The Mute and I wondered if they were a couple. She smiled up at him with a softness and care and I remembered hearing her voice back in the bar, that voice in the middle of the deep rumbling of the boys was strong but feminine. She is whom I would most definitely destroy if she ever let me get close enough. Just as those thoughts passed through my head the Mute turned and looked at me and then his stare shifted to Baxter and his step faltered. She turned also, looked at Baxter and I and then gripped his arm and tugged him along…kind of like he was a dog that was on a walk with his master. He was trying to get free to chase that squirrel running up the tree or to run over and mark his territory but she wouldn’t give him his leave. Clearly no free run around the neighborhood for you buddy.

And that was my next 2 months. Those 5 boys and 1 girl came in every night. Every fucking night and they requested my table. Waited for one to be open even. And they stayed for hours. They talked to me – asked what I was at school for, was I dating the boy they always saw me with, where did I live, what did I do for fun. I couldn’t fathom the interest really but you couldn’t help but be charmed by them all. They were good people. Most of them (Note maybe not the Mute) were polite, considerate, kind and generous. I really wanted to fucking hate them all because it was hard to walk around being mad and ready to die when you are surrounded by niceness.

The tall, dark and handsome one from the first night was David. Once he stood up I realized he had to hit 6’2” and he was by far the most outgoing and social. It didn’t take long for him to take a true interest. That one always had a question on the tip of his tongue. He was the first to make introductions.

“We are going to camp out in your section until…well I guess…always. Don’t worry we grow on people.” And he smiled.

And I smiled. Just pulled my lips up at the corners and I could feel a twinkle in my eye as the smile was genuine.

What. The. Fuck. Where did that come from?

He grew on you fast. Like the plague maybe. Right, exactly like the plague. I kind of felt contaminated.

Eric was shorter, but everyone was shorter than David, and he was built for football or pro-wrestling. He was tight all around. I was sure we could have played a good game of quarters off his abs but that would have probably been pretty inappropriate to suggest so I kept the idea to myself. Pity really.

Jackson was tall and lanky but he kicked the tan and dark hair like David and Eric. He had these great brown eyes though…with flicks of green and blue but strongly brown.

Derek was the little guy. Maybe 5’9” but he didn’t mind the typical so he was all short man piss and vinegar. Small but full of attitude and he no doubt got more play than any of the other boys….combined. I might have even made a play if it weren’t for Baxter and if I actually liked guys at all. That was what he threw – just pure confidence and sex and even I had a hard time convincing myself he wouldn’t be worth trying.

I still don’t know about The Mute. In the last couple of months I have shared myself as little as possible while still pulling off being welcoming and polite. They always wanted to know what I was doing, where I was going, who I was seeing. I didn’t get it really. Why they cared or bothered. Why they spent time waiting for one of my tables when there was other tables in other sections open.

But what was even more confusing and, honestly, annoying was that not only did HE not introduce himself to me but no one else at the table dared to either. He was a ghost.

He still hadn’t looked me in the eyes once and he never spoke. Not to me. Not to his brothers. Not to Sarah.   He was reserved. Sad. Bored?

Always be wary…

I showered and primped and gave Baxter a quick kiss on the way out. I don’t know why I did it. Maybe I was tired and the fatigue meant my charming personality or my own sense of self preservation hadn’t kicked in yet. Maybe down deep I hope one day I won’t move quick enough. He woke with a start and swung the arm that was wrapped around his belly towards me and I barely made it out of they way in time.


That is why I don’t wake him up with kisses or any other way imaginable. He wakes up swinging. Just like me but I usually fly with my fist and he is more likely to come up swinging a blade or his ’45 in your direction. He always slept with one of them. I should have remembered.

God I am tired.


I just started working at Munchies. A place you find in every college town – one of a hundred. Good booze, bad food, long hours and a perfect place to disappear into the crowd, to live harshly and recklessly and to connect with no one. It was the perfect place to die.

I met him tonight and the evening should have been as memorable as all the others. Which is to say I hoped to be saturated enough at the end of the night to remember nothing at all.

There were 5 brothers who were always together. That first night…my first night…they sat at my table. Just the luck of the draw or divine intervention. I couldn’t have said then but now I can say it was the latter.

“Hey boys – what’s your poison?” I said as I cringed inwardly at the reference.

“You’re new…we are here about every night so we would have noticed…you… before…” said one. The way the comment just hung in the air indicated he was paying me a compliment in his own fashion. You could see his height even though he was sitting and he had dark hair and skin and pale green eyes. He looked kind and that made me wary. Kind made me feel tired as well as making me feel like shit.

“I’m busy so what’s your damage?” I said as my eyebrows popped up and the tone of my question and my expression said it all. I may have all day but I don’t intend to spend it here waiting on you.

He looked around the empty room and laughed and the rest joined in or at least most of the rest. One still hadn’t acknowledged me. Everyone else had made polite eye contact…even though I was being a bitch.

Corona, Dos Equis, Corona, Corona. The guy in the corner still hadn’t said a word.

“You coming from Spanish class…”  Don’t judge me for anything other than being a complete bitch.  Which I accept…which I embrace.

I got him smiling again and he has dimples. Cute. The one who was ignoring me still hadn’t said a word. Fortunately these guys apparently liked a smart ass. I should have been more worried about my tips but it was my first night and I didn’t want to set expectations to high with my new employers or my frequent customers. Model employee I would not ever be. Better to be honest and up front about that kind of shit.

The mute flicked his hand in a kind of I don’t give a fuck kind of way and the guy to his right requested a JD straight up. Must be his usual. He had to have made an effort at that point NOT to look at me. I mean that kind of eye contact is just polite and usually quite natural. But it didn’t seem like he was just being a dick to me so why take it personally. He had just treated the brother next to him like a servant.

I got ‘em setup and they finished the shift off quick and hit the road. The mute paid the whole bill and he doubled the amount so I got a nice tip.

He still hadn’t laid eyes on me.

And the night takes me down…

When it was over, evening done and finished, I was tired. I haven’t spent that much time on my feet in awhile and I wanted a bath that I couldn’t have. I still live in the dorms and even though I am in a downward spiral that hell itself might not be able to curb I don’t want to die by the diseases you would find in a public bath.

I have much more painful plans in mind.

I got home, turned on all of the lights and cranked the AC. I like it cold so I don’t bleed as much. When I was done I curled up under the covers. I didn’t sleep. I never do anymore.

He crawled into my bed around 4 am. He smelled of downtown and that meant he smelled like booze and cigarettes. I turned to face him and pulled my knees up so they touched my chest…a nice barrier of sorts. Unnecessary but I always made sure he knew the door wasn’t open. Baxter knew better though. He wouldn’t ever touch me while we were in bed. I barely let him touch me in much less intimate settings. I am not sure why he sticks around. I know he is as fucked up as I so maybe he just feels comfortable around me because we are the same.

I know why I stay with him. He won’t hurt me – not in the way I really fear. I am not in love with him so he can’t break my heart. But he does have all the equipment to do the proper amount of damage. But he won’t and I think he stays with me because he worries that the next guy won’t be quite so accommodating.

Truth is that he is a smoke screen. I need a male. Need to be able to say “Look I am normal and fine…” but I am not and he knows it.

He cleans me up when he notices the recent damage. I used to struggle with him about it but I honestly don’t have the energy anymore. He pulled together the cleaning supplies and put band-aids on the deeper cuts and then crawled back in bed with the intention of staying.

Rise and repeat.


Sometimes life happens to you in ways you can’t process. Events unexplainable. You wrap those experiences up in packages and put them away to take out and re-live at another time. One day that package, when unwrapped, finally takes seed in your soul and you are never the same.

This is a love story…

But it isn’t mine.