Loss

This is not my life…

Just thinking about what we SAY – Im Ok, I’m sad, I’m lost and the things we FEEL…so this is random and not, a story and not, a moment long gone, a moment forgotten, a moment lived again and again. But this is not my life, these are just some words…

You have finally had all of me.

I was holding onto a place, a single, small piece of me that was mine, that hadn’t been sacrificed for your love.

I had given up everything, my friends, my family, my career, my life and it still wasn’t enough.

Over the years there have been some things I have taken back.

And you might think that fighting for something and getting it back would make it so much more precious.

And maybe it does because the things I have now are the things I could no longer live without and so I fought and scratched and clawed until I had those things again.

But there is something to be said for having something that was just yours – that was never taken away from you. That you didn’t have to fight to get back, it was just something so yours that it was inherent to you. It is such a part of you that the thought that it could be taken from you is abhorrent.

And now it is gone and with losing that last piece I am truly bereft.

I feel a sense of despair that I don’t think I have ever experienced before…

I am too lost, too sad, too completely alone to even cry….

I can feel the need brewing beneath my skin, stinging my eyes but it won’t come and I know, I know that even when the tears show themselves that they won’t wash me clean.

This is the kind of loss that you never recover from…

This is the kind of loss that defines how you live the rest of your life.