So I apparently have violent nightmares. I don’t remember them but to be fair I don’t remember the good ones either. But since I apparently scream out in terror and wake up my husband I know for a fact that I have these nightmares and I guess given the constant crying out of “help” and “no” and “stop” it is probably best that I don’t remember them. After years my husband has mostly stopped worrying about them. In the beginning he would pepper me with questions. Is something one my mind? Am I worried about something? Did something happen during the day I was upset about? No. No. And No. So now he simply comments on the fact that I “got kind of vocal” last night. (I know some of you went to the gutter with that last comment so I will give you a minute to drag yourselves back out)
Alright, back with me? Great.
Apparently last night was one of those nights. I got vocal.
The funny thing is that when I woke up this morning I was chipper, happy as can be….for no reason whatsoever. Now you have to understand that my default state isn’t happy. I seem to be in a near constant state of comfortable uncomfortableness, what others might describe as agitated, and I am Ok with that. I am a hopeful pessimist. I see the good in people, but expect the worst. I am painfully shy and a introvert. If I wasn’t married with a child I would certainly be a recluse. So, me waking up chipper? Seriously freaks me out. The world must have stopped spinning or the axis shifted or the sun didn’t rise. Something is seriously @#$@# up.
Ok, back on topic…kind of…
Now I also have days that I wake up and I am angry. I don’t have an explanation. Nothing happened the previous day. I didn’t go to bed angry. I didn’t have any nightmares – at least none that I was “vocal” about. But for some inexplicable reason I am angry. At myself. At you. At the world. So on those days I take a deep breath and close my eyes and then I recall each gift in my life. Another deep breath and I offer up thanks for all those gifts, for my life. Another deep breath and I open my eyes and face the day in a different state of mind. Am I still angry? Maybe. But I am moving forward with all the good front and center in my mind so how can I possibly stay angry for long.
So here is the thing. Why, oh why, on the morning after a violent dream do I wake up happy and other days I wake up angry? Makes you really think about how much power our sub conscience has…
If you are at this point and you are wondering about the point of this painfully long post. Sorry. There isn’t one. And really – the post started with “Down the rabbit hole”. You kind of have to assume random and meaningless….right?